Troubled Teens Resources

A friend told of the deep grief that her young son endured during a one week period in which he lost both a very close uncle and his first, childhood sweetheart.

The young boy’s sorrow knew no bounds. He barely stopped crying for days. When relatives at the Uncle’s funeral offered to take him away for the week-end to “take his mind off it”, his mother explained that this was a chapter in his life that, though painful to endure, had to be walked through, had be written, and that it would be best if he wrote it with eyes and heart wide open, surrounded by those who could share it with him.

The Power of Narrative

She had in mind the pain she had endured at her father’s death. She hadn’t anyone to talk to or guide her - she had no narrative to help her understand dying. She remembers “shutting down” and claims that such dissociation or detachment became a life long habit that crippled her emotionally for life.

One of the greatest impediments for a parent dealing with a drug abusing or out of control teenager is the inability to clearly communicate. If a child learns early to speak the narrative of their life, they come to learn a sense of time and process - to understand the beginning-middle-end that all of the events in their life is composed of.

The grieving young boy is now a father and husband and his greatest charisma is his ability to fully experience and express his life and his deeply felt interest in the stories of those around him.

It could be said that the ability of a teen to understand the story of their life, the more that they value that story and the more they want to be the “author” of it, the less likely it is that that the at-risk teen will add a chapter on doing drugs.

Communication Guidelines

Psychology Today offers some basic communication guidelines for talking with your kids.

• Start early. Listen to your child when he is very young. If he learns as a child that you will drop everything and listen, he will continue to talk as he grows up.
• Make yourself available—even if it’s inconvenient for you. Children may want to talk at the end of the day when you’re exhausted, but don’t miss the chance to communicate.
• Don’t judge. A child will become defensive when he feels he is being judged. That’s when communication stops.
• Refrain from interrupting your child; let her talk even when you don’t want to hear what she has to say.
• If you ask a question, begin with the words like “tell me” or “how.” This encourages a child to be specific and lessens the chance of her shutting down.
• Don’t get emotional; remain calm. If you have something to say, think beforehand.
• If your child tells you something shocking, don’t show it. Otherwise, she will stop talking for good.
• Engage in activities together. Take a walk, run or go to the gym together. Or try a trip to the museum or cultural center.
• Try a new restaurant and perhaps a new type of food. New experiences will help inspire discussion of all types.
• Eat dinner together. Children who sit down at the family dinner table three to five times a week are less likely to smoke, drink, and take drugs than kids who dine on their own. They also have better grades and fewer emotional problems.

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