Troubled Teens Resources

One of the most painful things for Karen to remember was her mother’s inability to forgive herself for the troubles that Karen went though as a teenager. “I tried so hard to convince her that I forgave her - that the most important thing is that she loved me and that she did all that she knew how to do. But I couldn’t convince her and she died never forgiving herself for how she raised me.”

There was very little in the way of teen crisis intervention for parents in the sixties and seventies. There wasn’t a “Just Say No’ campaign, no D.A.R.E type community efforts, no teen treatment programs. Just the horror of seeing your beloved teenager succumb to drug addiction and self-destruction. “I put my mother through crisis after crisis,” Karen mused, “and there wasn’t anything but prayer for my mother to turn to.”

Karen’s story emphasizes how important it is for a parent today not to take on the guilt of their teenager’s addictions or at-risk behavior.

“As I look back, there are many things that I would have done differently had I known differently. But I didn’t know. I did the best I could, given my then current level of knowledge and then current level of inner healing.

This is what is true for must of us as parents - we did the best we could, given our level of knowledge and healing at that time. It is, therefore, inappropriate to judge ourselves or be available to being judged by our children. It is certainly appropriate to acknowledge our shortcomings, but it is not appropriate to allow our children to blame us for their current problems.”
(Source)

Guilt can cripple the parent’s authority by providing a teenager a handy scapegoat and another excuse. Even if a parent has legitimate grounds to blame themselves for their teenager’s self-destructive behavior, it does not negate the teenager’s need to take responsibility for their own actions.

“What do you have to be depressed about? You have everything you could possibly want,” is often the frustrated parent’s response to a teen who confesses that he or she is depressed. But the fact is, all that the teen does have materially is not necessarily what the teen actually wants or needs. An Ipod , tattoos, baggy jeans and mini skirts are what his culture informs he must have. Home, hearth, food and education are what his parents know are necessities to provide. So it is not without cause that a parent would, along with sorrow and fear, also feel a sense of outrage that their teen is struggling and struggling with drug abuse, no less.

Sometimes, when depression manifests as drug abuse, the reasons are far more complex than simple rebellion. Drug abuse in the depressed teen often begins as a form of self-medication, a desperate attempt to feel something, anything but the gnawing despair that haunts them.

“Episodes of major depression may occur suddenly or gradually and usually last several months. It is common for episodes to recur and suicide is a major risk.

The cause of depression is not known, but a number of advances have been made in identifying potential factors. Depression comes in many forms, from mild sadness to a mood disorders such as major depression. Most likely, it is a combination of genetic and environmental factors that are involved in the development of the disorder. Major depression tends to run in families, and it may be triggered by severe stress (e.g., abuse, death of a loved one). Depression is more common in women and people with chronic medical conditions.”
(source)

It is very important that a parent does not make their troubled teenager’s depression and drug abuse about them. Most parent have done it all “by the book” and have indeed provided for their children - body, mind, and (sometimes) soul. A teenager’s depression and subsequent drug abuse can stem from any of several factors, and in many cases the origin of depression are totally beyond a parent’s control, but not, beyond their love and understanding.

Guilt can sometimes be a good thing. Painful, but if it forces the parent to examine his parenting skills, than it may be an anguish worth enduring. If you take away the right lesson from it. Conversely, guilt can often propel the parent to spoil their children, depriving them of the emotional maturity they will need to deal with disappointments and loss later in life.

After all, guilt is often the motivating factor in parent/teen interactions. Parents often make the mistake of spoiling teenagers to compensate for not spending time with them. In the divorced family, the accumulative guilt on the part of both parents often results in their deluging their teen with an excess of material offerings. Ask any single mom how often she indulged her teen with privileges or purchases that it was simply unwise to bestow. So why do parents continue to spoil their teens?

Do you recognize yourself in any of the following?

1. You feel guilty. Today’s family dynamics often set the stage for spoiling, says Gail Gross, a child development specialist in Houston. In families where both parents work, or in single-parent homes, the feeling is, “I have so little time with my child, I want it to be fun.” Guilt-ridden parents tend to overindulge and under-discipline their kids, she adds, which makes home life anything but pleasant.

2. You don’t have the energy to be consistent. One day you refuse to let your child have pudding for breakfast, despite the tantrum; the next day (when you’ve been up all night with the baby and are exhausted), you think “Oh, it won’t kill him,” and give in. Such behavior teaches your child that rules aren’t for real.

3. You offer too much help. When a toddler is frustrated, many parents want to jump in and help right away, says Lerner. (Rushed, stressed-out parents do the same thing.) Kids get spoiled because they start relying on Mom or Dad for everything — getting dressed, finishing a puzzle, fetching a juice box. Your goal is to encourage your child to do things for himself, so he can say, “I can handle this” — not do it for him, notes Lerner.

4. You want to give him everything you didn’t have. Of course, buying stuff for your kids is fun, especially when they move beyond the playing-with-the-boxes phase. But giving kids too much can backfire, leading them to always be looking for the next new thing instead of being satisfied with what they have.

5. You believe he’s the ultimate cutup. We’ve all seen parents who smile as their kids talk back, push other children, or knock over breakable objects. These parents are clueless about how to stop the behavior, so they rationalize it as being cute and funny, points out Severe. It’s easier to do that than to face the problem. Other people, however, are much less charmed. And kids who aren’t given limits have a difficult time respecting other people and their belongings. (source)

We spoil because we love, but parents also spoil the child to make themselves feel better. In so doing they are depriving their children from learning the necessary coping skills they will need later in life.